I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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