i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
