he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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