The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
