I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
