At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Less talking, more tequila
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
