I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
