Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
