two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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