i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
