I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Farmville is her only friend.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
