pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
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So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
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Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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