Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
