Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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