every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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