hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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