You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
