My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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