If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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