There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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