The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
