Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize