I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
