I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize
