So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I can't trust your balls anymore.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
