I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Two words: blizzard sex
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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