Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
