I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Congratulations! We have a period
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