If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Randomize