I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
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Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
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You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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