I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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