he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
