Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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