One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
