Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
