hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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