I think I died a long time ago.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
