so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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