god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
