went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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