Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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