What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
