I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Randomize
