I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
if you like me you must not know who I am
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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