ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
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I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
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Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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