Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She just used a chaser for red wine.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
