Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
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