Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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