Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
