My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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