I will die if light touches me.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Randomize
