I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
