He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
