At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
