Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
