My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
